Updated: Oct 6
Imposter syndrome was getting the best of me with Untamed Soul Collective...especially the "Unravel" guide.
"Who do you think you are?"
"Unravel?! EVERYONE in the Christian community is using this word...you just got it from them."
That was until I “randomly” found this letter while unpacking.
This is a confirmation that I’m exactly where I need to be…for such a time as this. I wrote this letter to my ex two years ago...before I'd even stepped foot in a church...before I knew all the Christian lingo.
I want to give Liz two years ago a huge hug and tell her “You not only unraveled it (and are continuing to do so), but you also WROTE A BOOK to help others unravel their stuff.
Such a full-circle moment and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for the future at Untamed Soul Collective!
June 6, 2021
I'm broken too. We all are. NO MATTER WHAT, I NEED you to know that I love you + am here for you. I'm slowly starting to love myself...it's always been a problem of mine. I've never felt good enough. No matter how it may look on the outside, I'm broken. I was broken before I even met you. While my demons may look different than yours, I still have them. I don't talk about them, but they're there... locked deep inside. I've learned to hide them... to make them look pretty.
I'm starting to UNLEARN things that I thought were true...things I was told + taught. It hurts + can be excruciating at times. I'm sad, angry, thankful, feel like I've gone crazy... all at the same time. Through all of this torture, guess what? I've come to realize they're "just" emotions. They can't permanently hurt me unless I let them...unless I stay in them. I'm unraveling + dissecting them, one by one. Leaning in to the discomfort.
I think that was/is a big part of why I never seemed satisfied...because I'm not. And this is not with you or our life or anything material. I know there is still SO much to unlearn + unravel. People tell you to just smile, don't complain, + be happy. But people have been telling me a bunch of SHIT my whole life that wasn't true...in the name of love or God or whatever. I have found comfort IN the discomfort. I KNOW I am evolving...becoming a truer, wiser version of myself. I know that I will NEVER fully become because there is always something to learn.
I'm sorry that this EVER came off as me being "better" than you. In all honesty, when I shut down, when I go quiet, I'm not judging YOU. I'm picking apart every single thought that is going through my mind. This solitude has been VERY uncomfortable, agonizing, downright the hardest thing I've ever done. But, I know I'm not alone. I have all of the wisdom God, my friends, family, poets, authors, musicians, podcasters, preachers, YOU have given me. It's up to ME to look at it + keep the words + thoughts that are good for my soul + get rid of any unhealthy patterns, thoughts, words that don't help me become a better version of myself. This process will continue forever, I hope.
I know you're scared + your mind + heart are pulling you in so many contradictory ways... mine are too. Here are a few things I know to be true NO MATTER WHAT:
Talk highly of yourself, to yourself. IT MATTERS.
Insecurity + pride are just the restlessness of our souls. You have both in you constantly, simultaneously... WE ALL DO.
Be still. It's hard as hell to quiet your mind...I've never been able to fully do it.
Anytime I start to feel this restlessness (well, not ANYTIME...I often give into it + it never really does me any good.) When I do realize I'm feeling this way + make myself get still + breathe + remember what I TRULY KNOW, I always feel clearer.
You KNOW who you are. I KNOW who you are. I LOVE you. I am here for you. My boundaries are in no way me casting you out or abandoning you. They are coming from a place of love + only love. I'm not perfect + have made + will continue to make plenty of mistakes, but I need you to know that I SEE YOU. You're nowhere near the bottom. You just choked on a little sea water for a bit. You'll cough it up + get right back out in the waves. And I hope I'm there beside you... as a wife, or friend, or whatever. I am too connected to you. I'm not going anywhere.